Gwenne's Blog v. 1.0

2006-12-20T13:25:00.000-08:00

So I have this heart right? This heart that I'm not using. So what do you do when you can't stop looking at him? What can you do when the one person that's CONSTANTLY on your mind is a whole hour or more away? It's the kind of thing that makes you wish you could have stayed put long enough JUST LONG ENOUGH to have met him and been around to live happily ever after. It's the kind of thing that makes you rethink life and where you want to locate, the kind of thing that has you questioning..."Could I have kids with this man?" and the kind of thoughts that have you thinking..."I love when he holds me like that." You know what? I'm silly. I'm just being silly. Because said boy has already stated that he doesn't and could never love me so this is useless. Mutual friends say give it time he's afraid to fall in love and I believe them. But will it be me? Or some other lucky girl who gets to kiss him goodnight and sleep in the bed next to him WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME!!!??? My STOMACH is doing summer saults and I haven't felt like this but for one person and I'm REALLY sure that's more than a little odd for me. I turn everyone away. I refuse to let anyone in. I find something wrong with everything and everyone. Maybe that's what he's doing with me. Picking me apart to find out that I'm not the one he needs. BLAH! This LOVE thing has me all turned around. Why can't these things just go MY way for once? lol.

2006-07-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

What to do, what to do? Myspace is down or under "construction" so I've resorted to my old "journal" (yes I very much like these quotation marks thank you). So here's whats going on with me. Best news...got a puppy. She's a rednosed pit and she's charming. She's precious in the sense that I can't walk anywhere 20 feet from here without her yelping and running after me. This, however, can also be annoying. BUT she's doing very well with her puppy training and she's fresh outta the bath so she's all nice and smell-goodey. haha. Oh, and she's black and white.

Next news...I find out Monday if the Boys and Girls Club got the grant. If so, then I go for an interview Saturday, which means I'll be leaving Friday to make the about 6 hour drive to Dothan, AL. Wish me luck... I think. If I get the job, (administrative assistant, well over 20,ooo a year, health benefits and insurance automatically, and a scenery change that involves being an hour away from the beach and about an hour away from some family), then I might be making the move to Bristol, FL. If I can do it. If I can put my foot down and say, yes, Monica, you're going to get out of this 10 foot town and GO!!! Yeah, if I can get over being homesick I might be fine.

N Den...My baby sister baked her first cake all by herself the other day! I'm so proud. She's 10 years old, 11 in August, and she's growing so stinkin fast. I don't like it. She's gettin boobs. I don't like that either. And her face is starting to do that awkward breakout thing that preteens start getting. Yeah I'm gonna need to sit down and breathe. I don't want to think about it.

And then...haha...it appears that I was right about Troy. He called me today and came clean. He HAD slept with my coworker and more than once. He also had sex with a minor in a graveyard. Somehow for some reason I just didn't care. It just made me really never want to speak to him again. Not mad, haha, just expected it. Is it bad when you expect the worst out of people?

And then...Katie moved out this week now I have loads of room but loads less cash because all the bills are my responsibility. It's not really as lonely as I thought it would be, but I've got good friends to keep me going so that's pretty awesome. As busy as I stay, I'm thankful for the down/alone time.

Now puppy's groaning because she's lying under my bed, hiccuping, and every other hiccup causes her to bump her wittle head on the planks. I laugh. I shouldn't. But it's just so dog-gone funny (no pun intended). Okay yeah. That pun was totally intended.

Well I think the ummm bachelorettes 2 are finally tired out for the night. So I'm gonna hit the hay and talk to you guys later.

Oh, and Libby, if you're reading this and you want to watch a movie tomorrow after church at MG's or over here, shout.

Love you much,
Monica

2006-06-15T00:28:00.003-07:00

It feels like it's been an age since I've come here, since I've wrote anything here. haha I don't think anyone reads this anymore but if you do lemme know. Comment or something. Altho it is kinda nice being able to write without suspicion of onlookers. The craziness of it all. Life is a spindle of chained thoughts that really lead to who knows where? I don't know where I'm going I only know where I've been and that I'm trying to make it from one platform to the next day by day. I'm in constant search of something good to hold on to but it has to be real. The forms around me all shift and change until they're unrecognizable and I feel like I haven't moved a bit, like I'm exactly the way I knew I'd be. I'm what I wanted to become...almost. They're are things about me I would change like my moodiness. The way my face has changed in the past year...I attribute it to tears cried and lessons learned. The way I feel...older, more used up than I could have thought possible. Dried out. Pruney. Disgusting at times. At times I look in the mirror and I don't know where that girl went. The hopeful one with a pretty smile who use to get all fixed up just to go out on the town. No real hopes or expectations, she just wanted to have fun. Fun was all there was. There weren't any major disappointments yet like stormy loves or broken hearts. Messed up answers or excuses. There was reason to believe. There was a love I had waiting for me then. A home I had built up in someone. It turned out to be built on sand but it was real to me. That was before friends started departing and life got hard, or lonely, or both. Okay, both. I was paying bills and working and broken up with in a shack in the middle of nowhere. Sob sob sob no more of that. I attribute the change to that too.
I made myself look in the mirror the other night. I made myself look till I seen something I liked. And I finally did. I realized that those minor changes, those little bags under my eyes from loss of sleep from this crazy job and crazy late night thoughts and talks about everything from boys to why people are the way they are, all those new lines that formed on my forehead from hostile feelings against someone or confusion, all that means something. All that means I've grown as a person and that it's only built character. I noticed that tho I've been thru these things, I'm still the same person in ways. I'm just more careful now. I don't like the cautious I-can't-let-myself-trust-you feeling I get whenever I'm around someone, but I can still push an old lady in a wheelchair and still feel good about myself. And can still look at myself and see that I am a caring individual who didn't let the world bury her in hate and darkness. A dark period is required sometimes to appreciate the light maybe. I dunno. Anyway I'm very tired at the moment so I think all this thinking is tiring me out. Sleep peaceful dove, your eyes are heavy tonight. Sleep gentle dove until the morning light.
lyrics from an old friend.
Sleep tight all.

2006-06-15T00:28:00.000-07:00

2006-03-12T20:18:00.000-08:00

Today I don't feel like being kind. I feel like being a blatant wretch to the guy who doesn't know how to act. To the guy who calls me only when he's bored and to the guy, whom, tho I'm low on gas, I always am there when he needs me for anything. Be it him being sick or just to hang out to watch VH1. The same guy who can't come and see me because he's running low on gas but can somehow make it up to the church to hang with the guys. Yes, I'm buying in to his every word. Please. Give me a break. His excuses are tiring me and my emotions are almost all exhausted. It's ridiculous and I feel like dropping him like he's hot. Then he goes and says something to do with us and staying and blah blah. Something has to change.

So here's my story:
Said guy has been one of my b.f.f's since 9th grade. How we came to be friend's is quite interesting but it's a long story and it's a bit overplayed for some so we won't go there. Ahhh the drama. Anyway we dated for 2 years everybody thought we were getting married and apparently he was gonna ask me. So he told his best friend. And everyone else. I was the only one that didn't know. Lovely. Tho in cases like that I'm sure I wasn't suppose to. Guess he never got around to it. So a year and 4 months after we broke up, we're talking again. That's it. Talking. Nothing permanent. He talks to other girls on his aol messenger. So I saw tonight. And we're not exclusive. So he told me. But he always does things for me and sometimes I wonder why. He talks crazy sometimes like he wants me around for a while. What's it all mean? BLAH!!! He only calls me when his parents are out of town. Nothing happens of course we're both tryin. But he couldn't ever CALL me when his parents are there? Just to hang out and watch tv? Please. Or give me a real date. We're talking and he tells me we're something he just don't know. I don't know either. Greif! It wouldn't kill him to take me to a movie. I'm sick of being his girl he calls and always comes running. But I'm glad he's not calling anyone else. LORD help. I'm stressing.

2005-08-26T18:06:00.000-07:00

hey guys how's it going? well not alot here just a few lil tidbits I wanted to put in. Well I am currently thinking about joining the Navy and moving to FAR FAR AWAY land. Yeah but that's not gonna solve all my problems here now is it? Of course not. It would handle the money situation and the schooling situation but it wouldn't handle all the other stuff I'm running away from. But if things are gonna work out things will work out even if I do join. I can't be all sissified about it and sit back and watch my life run down the drain when it's not heading for much else. Pray about it. I could get my schooling done in 3 months and as soon as I swore in I would start getting paid. Sounds peaches and cream right? Maybe it is but I'm such a skeptic. Like I said. Pray about it.

On another note, today was interesting. I worked at Zaxby's from like 11 till 2:30 (pathetic) then came home, did a devo at the apartment with katie and some girl's from church, then we went to get her hair done for her "photo shoot" . The "Model" session would have went well had the film decided not to rip half way thru and I got blamed for it (THE CAMERA DID IT I PROMISE)!!! Anywho I had a spare so we managed to get some good shots still. Pray for the photography business. It is much needed. I want to send a shout out to Jessica and Derrick who are the only 2 people who ever comment on my blog b/c they are probably the only 2 people who ever read it. Love you guys. Ya'll are awesome. Well for now I think it's do something else time, main reason? I just wanna do something else.

P.S. Air conditioner broke in apartment. PRAY!!!!
Goodnight

2005-08-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!
I didn't do much today just baked some cookies for our devo tonight. Nothing interesting. More later. Gotta run!
Monica

2005-08-17T10:29:00.000-07:00

Today is of course just another day in my life but today is filled with opportunity, and newfound meaning. Not really. I'm just excited because I'm getting to do some photography work that I've been wanting to do for a while now. I had like a ton of ideas pop in my head over the past couple of weeks and finally found the means and the people to help me get my portfolio started, God willing. I hope that this is His plan for me. If not that it's an interesting side job along the journey to what I'm suppose to be doing. Lol. It's funny everyone sees it as my "hobby" when I tell them what I would like to do with my life. "Oh that's nice." They say. "That's a good hobby to have. You probably won't make a lot of money off of it but it's a nice thought anyway." Lol they really don't get that it's not about the money with me. I'm fine living in this one bedroom apartment next to this beautiful church that gives awesome photo opportunities. I surveyed the land yesterday and got a ton of ideas. Of course I'll probably want something more when I have a family but that's WAY ahead and many mission trips and photo opts away. Photojournalism is what I want to go into. And if that doesn't work out maybe something to do with mentored kids. Hmmm well well just see what God's crystal ball has in store for me. But until then, the scoop on the love life is nonexistent as always. And for once, I'm cool with that. I finally figured out that I don't need a guy to love me. Yeah, it's nice. But God's really all I need. I've been avoiding Turner for the sheer fact that if I am not around him, then I'll forget him. Simple as that. Everytime he gets around me it's just like reopening old wounds and so the healing process starts over again. So I figure it's best this way. That and he always has something negative to say to me these days. It's either "You never were good at that, or so and so thinks you're a nitwit because" Thanks Turner. Once again you come to the rescue with your sharp ability to trash my feelings. Lol. Nah, I don't care. I've learned to spit it out right back at him and move on (not to say, folks, that that is the best way to deal with things. Just sometimes it's the only way to get the boy to listen.) lol. So for now the great escape has to be made. I have wedding dresses to try on people and photos to take so ya'll pray this goes well. Love ya all and much love.

2005-08-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

Okay. Well it's been a while hasn't it? I've been extremely busy here lately with church stuff and work and "what not" So let's see. Where to start. I have decided I'm not going to date anyone. Why? Because for one thing...I won't date anyone I can't see myself marrying. Strange? Maybe, but all dating leads to is marraige and for the record I don't need heartbreak number 2 hanging around my door anytime soon. Ya know I had an episode last night. I pulled a Monica. I was so mad by the end of the night but more mad at myself for allowing myself to get that way. I know I have people who love me and I know that I have alot of people who care about me. Sometimes it just gets so hard to see thru all the stuff that's happened and I feel like I just get pushed to the backburner. It's like all my ideas seem to just not be important enough to listen to and I'm always content to just sit there and watch it happen. What else can I do? Lemme tell ya something. A hug can be the best feeling in the world. I never thought it could be but it is. I had a cryfest with my roomate the other night. I told her how I felt about alot of things and she ended up blubberin right along side me. lol. It was definitely a "girly" moment or whatever ya wanna call it. Anywho I was going thru a time with my church, my ex, and some things that were just pushin me farther and farther from God. Travis Creasy comes up to me at Zaxby's, hugs my neck and says "It's good to see you back." It was the first time in a long time I felt good about myself and I think maybe sometimes that's all it takes. I mean I feel good about myself anyway but sometimes I just need a boost or some kind of encouragement and that was really a picker upper. Turner, lol, hugged me the other night and told me he would pray for me. Wonderful guy he is. Sometimes I just wanna choke him but I love him all the same and I know God put him in my life for a reason. Anywho, guys the point is this. THE WORLD NEEDS A HUG SOMETIMES! So go out and hug someone today and make their day better. I'm kidding. But do go out and make someone smile today. Give them encouragement b/c sometimes that's all they need to life their spirits. Anywho, I'm out like a deaf kid in musical chairs. My laundry awaits me.
SMILE. I love ya and God does too.
XOXO,
Monica

P.S. The Dukes are back!!! :).

2005-08-03T07:07:00.000-07:00

Where to begin? I have a newfound dislike for the male species, I find it hard to confide in anyone except girls these days, and I can't even allow the guy who is willing to drive 5 hours to come see me because it's not something I'm ready for. Now isn't that a hoot. I wish I knew what I wanted. I use to have everything so perfectly or at least semi-perfectly laid out and all I can figure is it wasn't God's plan for me yet if ever. I realy wish I could confide in someone on earth and let my barrier down. God's awesome to talk to, don't get me wrong. I just wish I had an earthly pal. lol. You know almost every single one of my friend's has left me since me and Turner broke up? I find it quite amusing since we go to church with half of them. They act like they feel sorry for me and I loathe that. The people I use to confide in got cocky and got in a band and now I don't even know them anymore. They are 2 completely different people. And Turner, Turner likes to rub it in my face. Sometimes I think even the other one does too. I just need to leave Albertville, get as far away from here as I can. I use to have a reason to stay. Now that reason has turned me away several times and reprimanded me pubicly to the point where I'm not comfortable there. God give me some direction and guide my feet. I have too many trust issues right now to let anyone else into my heart except you. Grrr...I wish I could figure stuff out.

2005-07-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll. Well tomorrows the big day. I get to see Mookie and it's the first time since the wedding. Kinda nervous. Ya'll pray for me. Plus I'm worried about directions. Horrible with those somedays. Somedays I'm brilliant with them...others....well ya know. Anywho I don't have a cell so we could get into a bit of some trouble. Im on a mission to find one of those tomorrow.
I'm also worried about my friends. Not particularly just my friends but I have this friend named Jimmy who has a crush on me and I don't know how to tell him. I don't know I just see him as more of a friend I know that sounds so cliche' but I'm worried about hurting his feelings. I think he kinda gets the hint b/c I haven't been hangin out with him and his friends as much but I'm not a good heartbreaker person. I've never had a way with breaking it to the guys (yeah I'm just a girl who breaks everyone's heart) lol. So any tips would be much appreciated. Plus I think I may keep Mookie for a while and see where it goes. He's pretty sweet! Well gotta get a good nights rest so I can wake up and see Mookie tomorrow. I'll holler at ya'll later. XOXO
Monica

2005-07-19T21:41:00.000-07:00

<<<<<<<<
I'm also worried about my friends. Not particularly just my friends but I have this friend named Jimmy who has a crush on me and I don't know how to tell him. I don't know I just see him as more of a friend I know that sounds so cliche' but I'm worried about hurting his feelings. I think he kinda gets the hint b/c I haven't been hangin out with him and his friends as much but I'm not a good heartbreaker person. I've never had a way with breaking it to the guys (yeah I'm just a girl who breaks everyone's heart) lol. So any tips would be much appreciated. Plus I think I may keep Mookie for a while and see where it goes. He's pretty sweet! Well gotta get a good nights rest so I can wake up and see Mookie tomorrow. I'll holler at ya'll later. XOXO
Monica

2005-07-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

Well today was once again a busy day. I had a ton of stuff to do. Went to work from 11-4, got the the younguns and took them to VBS around 10, came back home, and moved some stuff over to the apartment. I'm so excited about it. Moving out on my own was fun the first time but this is going to be just great. I got so use to living on my own and then DAD, oh my we won't get into that. He's just so hard to handle and deal with sometimes. It's very upsetting when you try to keep this house clean. It's like taking care of a 45 year old child whose capable of taking care of himself. I dread leaving and watching this place to go to waste, but at the same time I did all I could to make it better for him and he just didn't appreciate it so I'm glad to be moving on and making something of myself and not wasting my time here. Mookie believes in me and that's awesome. I have a lot of people who believe in me and that's extremely encouraging in intense discouraging situations. Here of late alot of crazy things have been happening so you guys just keep me in your prayers. I wish I could explain more but that's all I got right now. Anywho I'm gonna go to bed and rest my weary eyes for the night being. P.S. Ya'll pray that I get to Birmingham alright. I can't get lost b/c if I do I'm stranded (no cell) so pray super hard. LATER GATERS!
Monica loves ya.
xoxoxo

2005-07-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

Well it's another day in the land of Monica. Not much has changed except everything that could change. Life is so weird. I guess it's suppose to be though or else it wouldn't be interesting. Well for one thing I just got this lovely email from my ex ex boyfriend who has obviously been drinking and decided he wanted to "try getting back together." That can and never will happen. He doesn't go to church, me and him are like totally opposites and he's just being stupid. (By the way, i dated him in like 9th and 10 grade, I'm 19 now and he's 21. We've known each other for like 13 years literally. My stepmom use to babysit him). Then, he goes further to make some suggestive remarks about me needing to lose some of the tension. MY FREAKIN GOODNESS! Grrr...some men just anger me to the point of no return. If there is anyone who would like to volunteer to kick this guys rear, applications are OPEN. Anywho, I feel like a turd today because I didn't go to church. I was gonna watch a movie with a friend last night and the movie ended up skipping so me and her had to take it back to movie gallery (they were closed) so we just went to Wendy's and got us some eats there. Well it was about 12:20 when we got home so I just told her we would watch the over movie tomorrow (Ladder 49 I haven't seen yet. Hope it's good) I went to bed not long after but I think the lack of sleep over the past threee days caught up with me. Anywho, well I overslept this morning b/c I woke up at like and thought I could wake up in an hour and then go to church. Wrong. I didn't wake up till about 11 oclock. Guess that's my bodies way of compensating. DARN OVERCOMPENSATION. Anyways guess I'll head on out and take a shower. Love you guys.
Monica

2005-07-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

Hey hey everyone. Just another day in my world. Let me see. What did I accomplish today? Today I had a yardsale, made about 50 dollars which was AWESEOME! Thanks God (and Mookie for praying for it, you're great!) Okay so I think it's time I introduce this Mookie guy if I haven't already. I met him at Jeff Hubbard's wedding and I believe almost if not every day he has called me since then. He's a persistent one I'll tell ya. Since, he had read on my blog that one of he things I had to do was to go to a Kelly Clarkson concert. A few days later, he scored us tickets. Is he not great? He is very active in the boys and girls club and is also an active sports official. He is a Strong Man motivational speaker I believe and love kids from what I hear. He lives in Abbeville AL which is about 4 1/2 hours away. He's 22 and of course, COC. Sweeeeeeeeet! APPARENTLY, or so I've been told, Mookie has somewhat of a LIKING for me. lol. And it's very cute. NOW. Me and Mookie are just friends right now but maybe more later. I'm takeing time to get to know him and I might like him a lil bit. lol. SOOOO we'll see where it goes! :) And that, for now, is Mookie in a nutshell.

2005-07-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

Hey all. It's a wonderful day out here in the sticks. I believe the day is overcast when it started out sunny. Not alot going on today just went to work at zaxby's from 11-4, did some running around and came home to type on da EEENternet. So I'm pumped about going to a Kelly Clarkson concert thanks to a certain MOOKIE! That's one dream we can cross off my list. Sweet. Well guys I'm psyched about that and all this other great stuff but I gotta run and get some stuff for the El Yard Sale tamale. Holler at ya'll later. Love you all.
Me

2005-07-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

Hey, ya'll need to get me off of this computer so I can get my "dreams" taken care of. Here's a list of things I want to do in this lifetime. Granted you can't do everything, but hey, you can try.

1) I would like to learn to play acoustic and electric guitar and get really good at them. Maybe even drums. I've always thought those were cool. And I would want a band that practiced all the time and played places and just blew people away. We would play stuff like Kelley Clarkson, Maroon 5, Super Chick and maybe some Switchfoot. Duh there would be other janra's or however the heck you spell that word. But those are definitely some that would be played. Just to be on a stage rockin my little heart out who like it is just a huge dream I need to take care of.

2) I want to go skydiving (which may happen soon. There's a place in Cullman for 250 dollars.) JOY! 2 of my cousins went and they videotaped it. It was so awesome. They say it's such an adrenaline rush.

3) Bungee jumping. Self explanatory.

4) Go skinny-dipping. Not really a dream. Just something I gotta do one of these days by myself. Or maybe when I'm married. hehe.

5) Take voice lessons and be able to belt out a song at least close to perfect. My preferred song? Kelley Clarkson "Because of You."

6) Kelly Clarkson concert. I must go.

7) Mettalica concert...Must go there too.

8) Go to Freed, get my degree in photography and journalism. Photography is really more of a dream than journalism but I figure they go hand in hand.

9)Get MARRIED and have a beautiful wedding. I want to find me a husband that says "wow" when he looks at me on my wedding day and then cries.

10) Learn how to dance. CRAZY DANCE, CHOREOGRAPHED DANCE, AND BALLERINA WOULD BE AWESOME.

11) Start exercising more. not a dream just something i need to do.

12) Hmmmm... BALL ROOM DANCING. I want to go ball room dancing and wear a pretty gown and go ball room dancing. Gotta learn how first. And yes there will be dancing at my wedding.

13) Ride horses, I want to ride horses and learn to barrel race. I wish I could have horses and have time to take care of them...

Well that's it for now I guess. I'm gonna go clean my mess of a room.
Later you guys.

2005-07-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

Okay today was useless. I feel like I accomplished nothing. It's so hard to live with dad because he wants to keep EVERYTHING and I just want everything GONE!!! I'm having a yardsale Friday and I hope I can get rid of some of this junk. I hate clutter. Grrr.... Anywho enough complaining. So I like my new job. I think I covered that in my last post but I'm not sure. And I took my puppy to the vet today to get her shots so she's good on that stuff. Today's an icky day. Could be an icky day b/c the house is not clean and it's driving me crazy or because I just feel like poop. I dunno which. But good news is tomorrow I work so I'll have something to do then. Well I guess I'm gonna run. Talk to ya later. Me

2005-07-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

Hey hey all. I hope you all are doing well. Well I just got back from Florida about two days ago and the wedding was AWESOME! For those of you who don't know, Jeff Hubbard - a longtime friend - just got married. It was gorgeous. I blubbered like a baby (of course). All the happiness in the world to them. Not alot going on right now. I have alot of errands to do today. I've gotta go get my electric bill and phone bill turned over into dad's name b/c when i move out the bills are gonna have to be in mine and katie's name (hopefully i'll be able to get the deposit back on the electric bill). Anywho then I need to talk to dad about takeing Daisy (my pup) to the vet. It's about a week or two over time for her to get her worm shots. EEks! So anyway ya'll pray that I get everything done and I guess I'll holler at you guys later. Love you tons.
xoxo
Monica

2005-07-03T22:53:00.000-07:00

Monica's list of things she wants in a husband:

1. Till death do us part baby.

2. Jealousy can NOT be an issue. When we go to Wal-Mart and some guy checks me out, DO NOT eyeball him or try to give him some kind of intimidating look. You don't have to worry about him. We are YOURS! If we wanted to be with him, don't you think we would be? And another thing: that's a trust issue. That makes me feel like you don't trust me.

3. Gotta let me snuggle up to you at night in bed if I get cold, or, if I just want to snuggle. :)

4. A husband who is well please with me.

5. A husband who reveals all my missing qualities

6. A shelter of God's love in him.

7. To never have to worry about adultery.

8. Comfort.

9. Someone who wants children. Just not soon.

10. Someone I can come home to, prop my feet up and tell them about my day and listen to theirs.

11. Someone I can never get tired of loveing.

12. Someone who will never get tired of loveing me.

13. Someone I can depend on.

14. My best friend.

15. ------ --------

Well the list has to stop there. I'm tired and can't think (though that's an everyday occurence for me)
Goodnight.

2005-06-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

It seems here of late I've been finding out more about what love is and isn't. This is something prominent God is throwing in my life. And I'm sure for a very good reason. Lately it's been me keeping myself busy and not trying to think of much. For a while it's worked. Until today. Now I'm not saying because of one little thing I'm throwing my barriers down. I'm not even saying that I'm getting my hopes up, I'm just saying there was a tinge of something in me today when I heard this. So here goes the inevitable story. Travis Creasy, you can stop reading this now lol.
Well today I was having a yardsale at my mother's house when her neighbor from across the street walks over. I've known this woman for quite a while and she's a very sweet woman. Anyway her sister Bobbi Jean works with Turner at Paragon. He and she would talked about us alot while they were at work. Well when she found out we broke up, she came home and told Genelle (mom's neighbor). Apparently when Bobbi Jean asked Turner why we broke up he told her that I was too good for him and that I was special. Now I've always heard that the one guy who deserves you is the one guy who thinks he doesn't. And I thought at first that maybe he was being sarcastic and saying that I was too haughty for him or something of that nature, but that was just a passing thought and my mind didn't tarry there long. Of course this was a while back. I'm thinking maybe when we first broke up. I know alot has happened since then so I'm not sure if he feels the same. I only hope. Lol. There I go hoping again. Hopelessly hoping I won't get my hopes up. Hopelessly hoping he'll one day realize that I'm the one who doesn't deserve him, and hopelessly waiting for him to figure out that he's the best thing I've found and the only man I see at the end of the aisle. I've been angry, I've been foolish, I've been so heartbroke and jealous I couldn't see how it was destructing me. I could, but I didn't see the depth of that destruction and several things it caused me to lose. Some of those things were a good loss, showing me my boundaries and where I need to lye low. Others, well others I'm still trying to get over. Thank God for the friends and family who put up with me. They didn't have to. That roller coaster of emotion still comes around every now and then and a jealous fear runs through me that one day he'll find someone and that someone might not be me. I guess old loves are hard to let go of but the love of your life has to be the worst. I'm sure I could date and meet several other people. I have met other people. Dated any of them? Not really. I can't bring myself to do it. It seems like all the guys that I try to give a chance just aren't my type at all. And I'm not saying that I'm unwilling to give them a try, it's just that one or two things I always seem to find wrong with them. That or I'm just not interested period. lol. Maybe Turner's special. I know we fought and we bickered over the stupidest of things and if I had any of that to take back now I would. I wish I could say that I wasn't still in love with him. It's a love so immeasurable and unconditional that it really is indescribable. I found him young and I know where my heart will always lye. Being with someone else, thinking about someone else just seems wrong. Mountains on mountains of ideas have popped into my head out of jealous rage. Bitterness took me over and swept me away. Hopefully that's not an issue anymore. I've seen Turner with girls and while it drove me crazy, I just left. I j would leave to get some fresh air and calm myself, letting myself know that somehow, God would take care of me. I remember a specific day at camp when he was hanging out with two Kentucky blondes in front of me. Laughing, having a wonderful time, while I was just bleeding inside feeling like I'd lost my best friend. And in all reality, I had. I lied. I had to go the store to get some supplies. Turned out that Bruce needed some stuff for a head cold so it gave me a reason to go to Wal-Mart. On the way there I listened to everything that allowed me to feel what I needed to feel. I finally stopped on a Tonic song. No, not Lemon Parade, though it hits close to home. It was Soldier's Daughter.

"Hey Little Girl
Keep Dancing
Hey Little Girl
Keep dancing along
Cause there's not enough time in
Your day to keep you here"

Something about that made me see everything would be fine. I didn't know how things would turn out, but they would be fine either way. And I looked up at that beautiful sunset and thanked God for that song and for the wonderful time I spent withTurner.

Yes folks, I am long winded. But I am long winded for a reason. In conclusion is this: At the end of our conversation, Genelle said that her and her sister had talked and they had both agreed that "We thought you both really loved each other." Well they did see us alot. I was stunned for a moment because for us to be so young and for someone of her age to commend us on our love for each other made me feel like maybe we had something more than we had thought. Sure alot of people think that, but maybe was there something there we didn't see then? I know I saw it after the breakup. There was something of a more mature love that grew out of it. Direction is different now and I know where I would have that relationship go. For him I can't say the same. I don't know his thoughts. But all I could tell Genelle when she said that was, "We did. Truth be told I still do" Still shocked I think I stuttered because I was realizing once more a greater love lost than either one of us imagined.

Me and Turner still talk from time to time but never on lengthy basis. Maybe one day that will change with a little help from the good Lord above. I believe somewhere in their our friendship can be salvaged. Maybe a relationship mended. I would love to marry my best friend. But to my friends who helped me thru my trials I want to say thank you once more. For loving me, for listening to me whine, even when this was all I ever talked about. The Lord has brought me to this point out of my sorrow and now I can do more than just get through the days. It's cool I feel like a butterfly hatching out of her cacoon for like the first time ever. I've grown so much since. Okay well it's late and I do have to help my step-dad do a tile job in the morning ifI plan on making it to Jeff's wedding. Perhaps things will work out for the good. Either way, I love you guys, I'm tired, and Goodnight. Thanks for listening.

2005-06-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

And of course today the stitches didn't come out either. LOL. But today it wasn't because I wussed out. I got so busy doing other things that I just didn't have time. I got a job today so that's a plus. I now work at Zaxby's. Yep. I'm, as Turner put it, a Zaxby's girl. lol. Pray for it. I don't know how I'll be with fast food. Anywho, today was good. I woke up, eat, showered all the neccessary stuff ya gotta do. Poop, pee, and the whole reading bit. I love the book I'm reading. It's callefd Eragon. But that's just me fantasizing about castles and dragons and young heroes and what not. Anywho, I got the job at zaxby's, went grocery shoping with the cousin, helped her clean out her pool and wnet to chuch. Then Katie and I went to look at the apartment we're getting. It's small, but nice. And it has an air conditioner. SWEET! Anywho, it's late and I'm having a yardsale tomorrow and my computer is being a tard. PEACE!

2005-06-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

Wind Sketching

Wind sketching
Is not for peasants
Those who either pretend to be wealthy,
Or pretend to be poor,
Or pretend at all.

The gift of wind sketching
Comes only to the noble at heart -
the child and the child-like
Who grasp the untouchable
And bring it to life.

I didn't write this, but someone in my aun'ts graduating class. I found it appropriate for me and my dad. Our adventures are many and we are the child and the child-like. lol. LATER GATER.

2005-06-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

And I would also like to thank Daerrick Terrell for his gifts. A System of A Down shirt and two awesome books on Angels and Demons. I just wanted to let him know that I was sorry for not posting his gifts. If I had put everyone's gifts on here... well it still wouldn't have been that long but ya know. lol. I sorry. His was also one of the coolest gifts I got. And a week early at that. Derrick is just an awesome all around guy. He's single too! So if any of you gals are on the market for a guy, I would definitely suggest him. He's got alot going for him (though he doesn't think so and won't admit at times. That's when you have to beat it in his wittle noggin) but honestly he is great and one of my best friend's. In fact I think he might be going with me tomorrow to get my stitches out. Ya'll pray I don't cry or vomit. lol. Well I love ya'll and goodnight once more.

2005-06-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

To Show That I Love You

From time to him
You move and speak
In ways that stir in my heart
The hands of time drag slowly on
Whevever we're apart
My faults are few and talents many
In your clouded loving eyes
You've made yourself believe it all
And raised me to the skies
I'm not the woman of who you think
So gentle and so kind
My goodness lies within your heart
But no one else's mind
My thoughts of you will tell the truth
I think you're perfect too
And everything I do is done
To show that I love you.

2005-06-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

Hey Hey. I couldn't go to bed without blogging so I's just gonna tell ya how my day went. Well twas the day after the birthday and things ran smoothly. I woke up at Bev's house, took a shower and went to visit mom. I whined about wanting her to go to the hospital with me to have them removed (I don't have a boyfriend or that would be his job) and inevitably ended up letting her try to take them out which inevitably led to her not wanting to because she was afraid she would hurt me ( I winced ). SOOOOOOO I wimped out and didn't get my stitches out. Then goes the job search. Yeah that didn't turn out well. So I ended up going to the tanning bed and going swimming with abunch of my friends. There was a ton of us there playin ball in the pool. It was great. Prolly one of the funnest days for me this summer. We swam for I don't know how long then me and one of my friend's went to Zaxby's. Awesome. And now I'm here just hanging out. Fixin to go to bed and get up and do the same boring thing tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I'll get my stitches out. Doubtful. I'm such a chicken. More job searching and laying in the tanning bed tomorrow though for sure. Gotta do the tanning bed thing for sure and then gotta do the job hunt thing b/c, Lord willing, Katie and I are gonna be getting an apartment together but I have to have a job lined up first. Then I have to go help one of my friend's clean out her house and she's gonna pay me to do that which is AWESOME. If any of you guys have any hints or tips on how to earn some cash quick I would like to know. Prostitution is NOT an option. lol. Anywho ya'll be praying bout it. Anywho, I guess I will sees you guys later it's time for my bed to hit the pillow. Yes indeed. lol. Alright love you all and goodnight. XOXO, Monica

2005-06-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! Okay I had an awesome birthday thanks to all my spunky creative and thoughtful friends. Ya'll are awesome. Not to rate gifts, but Beverly did get me a shirt that says "How to dump your boyfriend" with pictures to boot. That was awesome. She knows me all to well. And Katie was super thoughtful in #1 emailing me, #2 taking me and beverly to dairy queen, her treat, #3 buying me a copy of switchfoot and an iou for superchick (which i loooooe) Also a creative frame with thoughtful words. A PLUS.
Thanks ya'll are awesome. You made it worthwhile.

2005-06-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

Hey all. Well tomorrow is my bday. HOORAY! And the only people who are gonna remember are the people I remind. lol. Lovely. I'm kidding. Well I called Beverly's house today and her parents told me Happy Birthday and then she did so I just thought that was totally cool. They even remembered without me having to tell them. Sweet. Tim Hubbard remembered too. Awesome. Well you guys take it easy. More on my interesting life later.

2005-06-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

Yeah okay so I'm a lil ticked. I posted a long blog the other day and today I view my site and it's not on there!!! Grrr... Has someone got access to my blog page and deleted my entry? Can you DOOOOO that? I dunno. I didn't delete it so SOMEONE had to!!! If anyone has any idea what happened I would sooo appreciate it. Talk to you later. XOXO, The ticked!

2005-06-23T23:20:00.000-07:00

No one wants to read a sad song
Happy as prozac and left alone
No problems for us as you can see
No outward disgression
For you and me

So sorry if we don't pity you
When we don't know what you're going thru
We're just being selfish and calling you weird
Outcast from us, we won't see your tears

But you'll cry them anyway sad and alone
You'll do this from a young age until your grown
I wish we could tell you what lies ahead
We won't give you hope but discouragement instead

We'll try not to laugh at your secret pain
But then mock you later when your not around to complain
We hope you don't care, it's all in good fun
We're not really out to hurt anyone

You just go ahead and deal with your pain
You weird strange girl, and we'll point you out again
Your friends that you thought were all around you have left
Your to horribly weird for them to accept

They just can't take your emotions, or wanting to "talk" all the time
They don't understand why you're speaking in rhymes
It's so hard for us to see what you're going thru
Some have been thru it, others don't have a clue

Either way we'll point and laugh
And say "BooHoo" because this big baby hasn't grasped
That she has just so much love that
she just feels like she can't get rid of.

She'd like to give it all to the one who holds her heart
But he's far away and they've grown apart
How hard is it for someone to see
That for her to find someone is just so misconcieved

Why can't she just get back on that pony and ride
Ride her little heart out till the morning cries
Why can't she just get back what she lost long ago
Memories of a past life seem to come and go

But this poem is getting lengthy
And we don't have all day
So run along little girl
Run along and play

You're strange enough
But when you do find that one you can give your heart to
Don't be scared to love again
Love completely and to no end

Don't let one horse knock you down
Pick yourself up off the ground
And look to the heavans For in God's view
Your not so strange and He loves you

You don't see it now but you will see it when
You find the Love of the Lord
and you will be complete again.

Love yourself completely
And march on my little girl
You are precious to yourself
And God's glorious world

It's late so if it's not my best work I understand.

2005-06-23T21:12:00.000-07:00

haha life is so funny. it hands you the silliest messes sometimes but thats okay too. I would like to thank God for all my friends he has so lovingly blessed me with. Despite being cheesy the people who have got me thru these past few months have not left my side when I have needed them. I thank them for that. They are: Derrick Terrell, Cory Harris, Tyler Cochran, Alaina Austin, Travis Creasy, Jimmy Masters, and last but certainly not least, Katie Simmons. Then there's my family. My mom,thank you for giving me a shoulder to cry on. Dad you pulled for me too. Megan is just cute and rotten and makes me laugh. And everyone else just told me I could make it alright and had faith in me. Alot of the times I have not been the person I should have been. I let life bog me down and made myself think that there was something wrong with me so I laid in the dark and waited for a light. Then I realized I have to be my own light. I can't lay around and wait for things to get better. I have to make things happen for myself. Anf finally I have realized what I have to do. I have to get away from the thing thats causing me the most pain in my life. Dun dun da... the ex boyfriend. I realize now that I am a wonderful person and there is nothing wrong with me. I am human and humans fail. But thank GOD for the people around me who didn't give up on me to pull through this. My focus is now back on college and moving out and making my life better withouth these people. Thanks for derrick for letting me hang out and rant if I need to. Thanks Travis for listening to me blubber on the phone. Thanks Jimmy for just being cool. Thanks C ory for hangin out with me. Thanks Alaina and Tyler for lettin me come over to your house and play video games and eat fudge!!! hehe. Ya'll rock. Katie you've shown me exactly what a christian girl should be like. You'r just crazy in so many ways but so awesome to hang out with. I LOVE IT. Yeah I'm not all that I should be sometimes. But ya'll love me anyway and i thank you for that. You guys are the greatest bunch of friends I could ever asked for! XOXO,
Monica.

2005-06-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like a turd. I think I have strep throat and I hurt everytime I move. Ick! So you guys pray that I'll get better. Also going to Six Flags Friday...WHOO HOO! Maybe that will be fun so pray that I'll get better before that. Love you guys!

2005-06-21T01:52:00.000-07:00

An amazing person wrote this for me a while back. He is my best friend and a wonderful human being, whether he knows it or not. We are currently not together, but whoever marries him will be the luckiest woman in the world I'm sure. I was lucky to have him for the short time I did.

-The Girl-
The Girl who caught my eye
The one I walked on past
My God? Why this guy
He's such a fool it could never last
But together none the less
With absolutely no one to impress
I'm staring at a wall
Never trying to look in
The peep could start my heart to fall
And love is the one place it's never been
I try so hard I tell myself
While placing my heart upon a shelf
This girl, my girl
When I see her my lips smile
And my heart starts to stir
With her I go the extra mile
I wish I knew what it takes for life
But even not I pray she'll be my wife.

What a masterpiece. I know I have been loved.

2005-06-20T00:07:00.000-07:00

Stuff I wrote back in the day. Have a looksie. Post if you want.

Too Much To Relate-
Autumn days and thoughts that lay
Deep inside my head
How I've thought and what I've bought
Like words I've never said
Jumbled traffic, mixed up wires have crossed
But what I dread, is losing you by some
Slim chance of an omen I misread
Picture shows and air gun blows
Are tearing at my brain
Why they're there and if they care
Could not be put to blame
All this talk can just confuse me
But what is stays the same
I love you and you should know
The meaning is all so plain
A moonlight dance was worth
The chance to hold you once again.
To sacrifice or just be nice
Would never lose or win
A touch from you would set me free
In hopes it would never end
But some small chance that
You would love me
Was too big to defend
I was shy and you would lie
You noticed my mistakes
I stared at you and saw right through
Your mystery of hate
How to please you, not to ease you
Too much toward the fate
That this young girl
And this young boy have too much
To relate.

Thanks --Yours truly.