It feels like it's been an age since I've come here, since I've wrote anything here. haha I don't think anyone reads this anymore but if you do lemme know. Comment or something. Altho it is kinda nice being able to write without suspicion of onlookers. The craziness of it all. Life is a spindle of chained thoughts that really lead to who knows where? I don't know where I'm going I only know where I've been and that I'm trying to make it from one platform to the next day by day. I'm in constant search of something good to hold on to but it has to be real. The forms around me all shift and change until they're unrecognizable and I feel like I haven't moved a bit, like I'm exactly the way I knew I'd be. I'm what I wanted to become...almost. They're are things about me I would change like my moodiness. The way my face has changed in the past year...I attribute it to tears cried and lessons learned. The way I feel...older, more used up than I could have thought possible. Dried out. Pruney. Disgusting at times. At times I look in the mirror and I don't know where that girl went. The hopeful one with a pretty smile who use to get all fixed up just to go out on the town. No real hopes or expectations, she just wanted to have fun. Fun was all there was. There weren't any major disappointments yet like stormy loves or broken hearts. Messed up answers or excuses. There was reason to believe. There was a love I had waiting for me then. A home I had built up in someone. It turned out to be built on sand but it was real to me. That was before friends started departing and life got hard, or lonely, or both. Okay, both. I was paying bills and working and broken up with in a shack in the middle of nowhere. Sob sob sob no more of that. I attribute the change to that too.
I made myself look in the mirror the other night. I made myself look till I seen something I liked. And I finally did. I realized that those minor changes, those little bags under my eyes from loss of sleep from this crazy job and crazy late night thoughts and talks about everything from boys to why people are the way they are, all those new lines that formed on my forehead from hostile feelings against someone or confusion, all that means something. All that means I've grown as a person and that it's only built character. I noticed that tho I've been thru these things, I'm still the same person in ways. I'm just more careful now. I don't like the cautious I-can't-let-myself-trust-you feeling I get whenever I'm around someone, but I can still push an old lady in a wheelchair and still feel good about myself. And can still look at myself and see that I am a caring individual who didn't let the world bury her in hate and darkness. A dark period is required sometimes to appreciate the light maybe. I dunno. Anyway I'm very tired at the moment so I think all this thinking is tiring me out. Sleep peaceful dove, your eyes are heavy tonight. Sleep gentle dove until the morning light.
lyrics from an old friend.
Sleep tight all.