So I have this heart right? This heart that I'm not using. So what do you do when you can't stop looking at him? What can you do when the one person that's CONSTANTLY on your mind is a whole hour or more away? It's the kind of thing that makes you wish you could have stayed put long enough JUST LONG ENOUGH to have met him and been around to live happily ever after. It's the kind of thing that makes you rethink life and where you want to locate, the kind of thing that has you questioning..."Could I have kids with this man?" and the kind of thoughts that have you thinking..."I love when he holds me like that." You know what? I'm silly. I'm just being silly. Because said boy has already stated that he doesn't and could never love me so this is useless. Mutual friends say give it time he's afraid to fall in love and I believe them. But will it be me? Or some other lucky girl who gets to kiss him goodnight and sleep in the bed next to him WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME!!!??? My STOMACH is doing summer saults and I haven't felt like this but for one person and I'm REALLY sure that's more than a little odd for me. I turn everyone away. I refuse to let anyone in. I find something wrong with everything and everyone. Maybe that's what he's doing with me. Picking me apart to find out that I'm not the one he needs. BLAH! This LOVE thing has me all turned around. Why can't these things just go MY way for once? lol.

What to do, what to do? Myspace is down or under "construction" so I've resorted to my old "journal" (yes I very much like these quotation marks thank you). So here's whats going on with me. Best news...got a puppy. She's a rednosed pit and she's charming. She's precious in the sense that I can't walk anywhere 20 feet from here without her yelping and running after me. This, however, can also be annoying. BUT she's doing very well with her puppy training and she's fresh outta the bath so she's all nice and smell-goodey. haha. Oh, and she's black and white.

Next news...I find out Monday if the Boys and Girls Club got the grant. If so, then I go for an interview Saturday, which means I'll be leaving Friday to make the about 6 hour drive to Dothan, AL. Wish me luck... I think. If I get the job, (administrative assistant, well over 20,ooo a year, health benefits and insurance automatically, and a scenery change that involves being an hour away from the beach and about an hour away from some family), then I might be making the move to Bristol, FL. If I can do it. If I can put my foot down and say, yes, Monica, you're going to get out of this 10 foot town and GO!!! Yeah, if I can get over being homesick I might be fine.

N Den...My baby sister baked her first cake all by herself the other day! I'm so proud. She's 10 years old, 11 in August, and she's growing so stinkin fast. I don't like it. She's gettin boobs. I don't like that either. And her face is starting to do that awkward breakout thing that preteens start getting. Yeah I'm gonna need to sit down and breathe. I don't want to think about it.

And then...haha...it appears that I was right about Troy. He called me today and came clean. He HAD slept with my coworker and more than once. He also had sex with a minor in a graveyard. Somehow for some reason I just didn't care. It just made me really never want to speak to him again. Not mad, haha, just expected it. Is it bad when you expect the worst out of people?

And then...Katie moved out this week now I have loads of room but loads less cash because all the bills are my responsibility. It's not really as lonely as I thought it would be, but I've got good friends to keep me going so that's pretty awesome. As busy as I stay, I'm thankful for the down/alone time.

Now puppy's groaning because she's lying under my bed, hiccuping, and every other hiccup causes her to bump her wittle head on the planks. I laugh. I shouldn't. But it's just so dog-gone funny (no pun intended). Okay yeah. That pun was totally intended.

Well I think the ummm bachelorettes 2 are finally tired out for the night. So I'm gonna hit the hay and talk to you guys later.

Oh, and Libby, if you're reading this and you want to watch a movie tomorrow after church at MG's or over here, shout.

Love you much,
Monica

It feels like it's been an age since I've come here, since I've wrote anything here. haha I don't think anyone reads this anymore but if you do lemme know. Comment or something. Altho it is kinda nice being able to write without suspicion of onlookers. The craziness of it all. Life is a spindle of chained thoughts that really lead to who knows where? I don't know where I'm going I only know where I've been and that I'm trying to make it from one platform to the next day by day. I'm in constant search of something good to hold on to but it has to be real. The forms around me all shift and change until they're unrecognizable and I feel like I haven't moved a bit, like I'm exactly the way I knew I'd be. I'm what I wanted to become...almost. They're are things about me I would change like my moodiness. The way my face has changed in the past year...I attribute it to tears cried and lessons learned. The way I feel...older, more used up than I could have thought possible. Dried out. Pruney. Disgusting at times. At times I look in the mirror and I don't know where that girl went. The hopeful one with a pretty smile who use to get all fixed up just to go out on the town. No real hopes or expectations, she just wanted to have fun. Fun was all there was. There weren't any major disappointments yet like stormy loves or broken hearts. Messed up answers or excuses. There was reason to believe. There was a love I had waiting for me then. A home I had built up in someone. It turned out to be built on sand but it was real to me. That was before friends started departing and life got hard, or lonely, or both. Okay, both. I was paying bills and working and broken up with in a shack in the middle of nowhere. Sob sob sob no more of that. I attribute the change to that too.
I made myself look in the mirror the other night. I made myself look till I seen something I liked. And I finally did. I realized that those minor changes, those little bags under my eyes from loss of sleep from this crazy job and crazy late night thoughts and talks about everything from boys to why people are the way they are, all those new lines that formed on my forehead from hostile feelings against someone or confusion, all that means something. All that means I've grown as a person and that it's only built character. I noticed that tho I've been thru these things, I'm still the same person in ways. I'm just more careful now. I don't like the cautious I-can't-let-myself-trust-you feeling I get whenever I'm around someone, but I can still push an old lady in a wheelchair and still feel good about myself. And can still look at myself and see that I am a caring individual who didn't let the world bury her in hate and darkness. A dark period is required sometimes to appreciate the light maybe. I dunno. Anyway I'm very tired at the moment so I think all this thinking is tiring me out. Sleep peaceful dove, your eyes are heavy tonight. Sleep gentle dove until the morning light.
lyrics from an old friend.
Sleep tight all.

It feels like it's been an age since I've come here, since I've wrote anything here. haha I don't think anyone reads this anymore but if you do lemme know. Comment or something. Altho it is kinda nice being able to write without suspicion of onlookers. The craziness of it all. Life is a spindle of chained thoughts that really lead to who knows where? I don't know where I'm going I only know where I've been and that I'm trying to make it from one platform to the next day by day. I'm in constant search of something good to hold on to but it has to be real. The forms around me all shift and change until they're unrecognizable and I feel like I haven't moved a bit, like I'm exactly the way I knew I'd be. I'm what I wanted to become...almost. They're are things about me I would change like my moodiness. The way my face has changed in the past year...I attribute it to tears cried and lessons learned. The way I feel...older, more used up than I could have thought possible. Dried out. Pruney. Disgusting at times. At times I look in the mirror and I don't know where that girl went. The hopeful one with a pretty smile who use to get all fixed up just to go out on the town. No real hopes or expectations, she just wanted to have fun. Fun was all there was. There weren't any major disappointments yet like stormy loves or broken hearts. Messed up answers or excuses. There was reason to believe. There was a love I had waiting for me then. A home I had built up in someone. It turned out to be built on sand but it was real to me. That was before friends started departing and life got hard, or lonely, or both. Okay, both. I was paying bills and working and broken up with in a shack in the middle of nowhere. Sob sob sob no more of that. I attribute the change to that too.
I made myself look in the mirror the other night. I made myself look till I seen something I liked. And I finally did. I realized that those minor changes, those little bags under my eyes from loss of sleep from this crazy job and crazy late night thoughts and talks about everything from boys to why people are the way they are, all those new lines that formed on my forehead from hostile feelings against someone or confusion, all that means something. All that means I've grown as a person and that it's only built character. I noticed that tho I've been thru these things, I'm still the same person in ways. I'm just more careful now. I don't like the cautious I-can't-let-myself-trust-you feeling I get whenever I'm around someone, but I can still push an old lady in a wheelchair and still feel good about myself. And can still look at myself and see that I am a caring individual who didn't let the world bury her in hate and darkness. A dark period is required sometimes to appreciate the light maybe. I dunno. Anyway I'm very tired at the moment so I think all this thinking is tiring me out. Sleep peaceful dove, your eyes are heavy tonight. Sleep gentle dove until the morning light.
lyrics from an old friend.
Sleep tight all.

Today I don't feel like being kind. I feel like being a blatant wretch to the guy who doesn't know how to act. To the guy who calls me only when he's bored and to the guy, whom, tho I'm low on gas, I always am there when he needs me for anything. Be it him being sick or just to hang out to watch VH1. The same guy who can't come and see me because he's running low on gas but can somehow make it up to the church to hang with the guys. Yes, I'm buying in to his every word. Please. Give me a break. His excuses are tiring me and my emotions are almost all exhausted. It's ridiculous and I feel like dropping him like he's hot. Then he goes and says something to do with us and staying and blah blah. Something has to change.

So here's my story:
Said guy has been one of my b.f.f's since 9th grade. How we came to be friend's is quite interesting but it's a long story and it's a bit overplayed for some so we won't go there. Ahhh the drama. Anyway we dated for 2 years everybody thought we were getting married and apparently he was gonna ask me. So he told his best friend. And everyone else. I was the only one that didn't know. Lovely. Tho in cases like that I'm sure I wasn't suppose to. Guess he never got around to it. So a year and 4 months after we broke up, we're talking again. That's it. Talking. Nothing permanent. He talks to other girls on his aol messenger. So I saw tonight. And we're not exclusive. So he told me. But he always does things for me and sometimes I wonder why. He talks crazy sometimes like he wants me around for a while. What's it all mean? BLAH!!! He only calls me when his parents are out of town. Nothing happens of course we're both tryin. But he couldn't ever CALL me when his parents are there? Just to hang out and watch tv? Please. Or give me a real date. We're talking and he tells me we're something he just don't know. I don't know either. Greif! It wouldn't kill him to take me to a movie. I'm sick of being his girl he calls and always comes running. But I'm glad he's not calling anyone else. LORD help. I'm stressing.

hey guys how's it going? well not alot here just a few lil tidbits I wanted to put in. Well I am currently thinking about joining the Navy and moving to FAR FAR AWAY land. Yeah but that's not gonna solve all my problems here now is it? Of course not. It would handle the money situation and the schooling situation but it wouldn't handle all the other stuff I'm running away from. But if things are gonna work out things will work out even if I do join. I can't be all sissified about it and sit back and watch my life run down the drain when it's not heading for much else. Pray about it. I could get my schooling done in 3 months and as soon as I swore in I would start getting paid. Sounds peaches and cream right? Maybe it is but I'm such a skeptic. Like I said. Pray about it.

On another note, today was interesting. I worked at Zaxby's from like 11 till 2:30 (pathetic) then came home, did a devo at the apartment with katie and some girl's from church, then we went to get her hair done for her "photo shoot" . The "Model" session would have went well had the film decided not to rip half way thru and I got blamed for it (THE CAMERA DID IT I PROMISE)!!! Anywho I had a spare so we managed to get some good shots still. Pray for the photography business. It is much needed. I want to send a shout out to Jessica and Derrick who are the only 2 people who ever comment on my blog b/c they are probably the only 2 people who ever read it. Love you guys. Ya'll are awesome. Well for now I think it's do something else time, main reason? I just wanna do something else.

P.S. Air conditioner broke in apartment. PRAY!!!!
Goodnight

Hey guys!
I didn't do much today just baked some cookies for our devo tonight. Nothing interesting. More later. Gotta run!
Monica

Today is of course just another day in my life but today is filled with opportunity, and newfound meaning. Not really. I'm just excited because I'm getting to do some photography work that I've been wanting to do for a while now. I had like a ton of ideas pop in my head over the past couple of weeks and finally found the means and the people to help me get my portfolio started, God willing. I hope that this is His plan for me. If not that it's an interesting side job along the journey to what I'm suppose to be doing. Lol. It's funny everyone sees it as my "hobby" when I tell them what I would like to do with my life. "Oh that's nice." They say. "That's a good hobby to have. You probably won't make a lot of money off of it but it's a nice thought anyway." Lol they really don't get that it's not about the money with me. I'm fine living in this one bedroom apartment next to this beautiful church that gives awesome photo opportunities. I surveyed the land yesterday and got a ton of ideas. Of course I'll probably want something more when I have a family but that's WAY ahead and many mission trips and photo opts away. Photojournalism is what I want to go into. And if that doesn't work out maybe something to do with mentored kids. Hmmm well well just see what God's crystal ball has in store for me. But until then, the scoop on the love life is nonexistent as always. And for once, I'm cool with that. I finally figured out that I don't need a guy to love me. Yeah, it's nice. But God's really all I need. I've been avoiding Turner for the sheer fact that if I am not around him, then I'll forget him. Simple as that. Everytime he gets around me it's just like reopening old wounds and so the healing process starts over again. So I figure it's best this way. That and he always has something negative to say to me these days. It's either "You never were good at that, or so and so thinks you're a nitwit because" Thanks Turner. Once again you come to the rescue with your sharp ability to trash my feelings. Lol. Nah, I don't care. I've learned to spit it out right back at him and move on (not to say, folks, that that is the best way to deal with things. Just sometimes it's the only way to get the boy to listen.) lol. So for now the great escape has to be made. I have wedding dresses to try on people and photos to take so ya'll pray this goes well. Love ya all and much love.