It seems here of late I've been finding out more about what love is and isn't. This is something prominent God is throwing in my life. And I'm sure for a very good reason. Lately it's been me keeping myself busy and not trying to think of much. For a while it's worked. Until today. Now I'm not saying because of one little thing I'm throwing my barriers down. I'm not even saying that I'm getting my hopes up, I'm just saying there was a tinge of something in me today when I heard this. So here goes the inevitable story. Travis Creasy, you can stop reading this now lol.
Well today I was having a yardsale at my mother's house when her neighbor from across the street walks over. I've known this woman for quite a while and she's a very sweet woman. Anyway her sister Bobbi Jean works with Turner at Paragon. He and she would talked about us alot while they were at work. Well when she found out we broke up, she came home and told Genelle (mom's neighbor). Apparently when Bobbi Jean asked Turner why we broke up he told her that I was too good for him and that I was special. Now I've always heard that the one guy who deserves you is the one guy who thinks he doesn't. And I thought at first that maybe he was being sarcastic and saying that I was too haughty for him or something of that nature, but that was just a passing thought and my mind didn't tarry there long. Of course this was a while back. I'm thinking maybe when we first broke up. I know alot has happened since then so I'm not sure if he feels the same. I only hope. Lol. There I go hoping again. Hopelessly hoping I won't get my hopes up. Hopelessly hoping he'll one day realize that I'm the one who doesn't deserve him, and hopelessly waiting for him to figure out that he's the best thing I've found and the only man I see at the end of the aisle. I've been angry, I've been foolish, I've been so heartbroke and jealous I couldn't see how it was destructing me. I could, but I didn't see the depth of that destruction and several things it caused me to lose. Some of those things were a good loss, showing me my boundaries and where I need to lye low. Others, well others I'm still trying to get over. Thank God for the friends and family who put up with me. They didn't have to. That roller coaster of emotion still comes around every now and then and a jealous fear runs through me that one day he'll find someone and that someone might not be me. I guess old loves are hard to let go of but the love of your life has to be the worst. I'm sure I could date and meet several other people. I have met other people. Dated any of them? Not really. I can't bring myself to do it. It seems like all the guys that I try to give a chance just aren't my type at all. And I'm not saying that I'm unwilling to give them a try, it's just that one or two things I always seem to find wrong with them. That or I'm just not interested period. lol. Maybe Turner's special. I know we fought and we bickered over the stupidest of things and if I had any of that to take back now I would. I wish I could say that I wasn't still in love with him. It's a love so immeasurable and unconditional that it really is indescribable. I found him young and I know where my heart will always lye. Being with someone else, thinking about someone else just seems wrong. Mountains on mountains of ideas have popped into my head out of jealous rage. Bitterness took me over and swept me away. Hopefully that's not an issue anymore. I've seen Turner with girls and while it drove me crazy, I just left. I j would leave to get some fresh air and calm myself, letting myself know that somehow, God would take care of me. I remember a specific day at camp when he was hanging out with two Kentucky blondes in front of me. Laughing, having a wonderful time, while I was just bleeding inside feeling like I'd lost my best friend. And in all reality, I had. I lied. I had to go the store to get some supplies. Turned out that Bruce needed some stuff for a head cold so it gave me a reason to go to Wal-Mart. On the way there I listened to everything that allowed me to feel what I needed to feel. I finally stopped on a Tonic song. No, not Lemon Parade, though it hits close to home. It was Soldier's Daughter.

"Hey Little Girl
Keep Dancing
Hey Little Girl
Keep dancing along
Cause there's not enough time in
Your day to keep you here"

Something about that made me see everything would be fine. I didn't know how things would turn out, but they would be fine either way. And I looked up at that beautiful sunset and thanked God for that song and for the wonderful time I spent withTurner.

Yes folks, I am long winded. But I am long winded for a reason. In conclusion is this: At the end of our conversation, Genelle said that her and her sister had talked and they had both agreed that "We thought you both really loved each other." Well they did see us alot. I was stunned for a moment because for us to be so young and for someone of her age to commend us on our love for each other made me feel like maybe we had something more than we had thought. Sure alot of people think that, but maybe was there something there we didn't see then? I know I saw it after the breakup. There was something of a more mature love that grew out of it. Direction is different now and I know where I would have that relationship go. For him I can't say the same. I don't know his thoughts. But all I could tell Genelle when she said that was, "We did. Truth be told I still do" Still shocked I think I stuttered because I was realizing once more a greater love lost than either one of us imagined.

Me and Turner still talk from time to time but never on lengthy basis. Maybe one day that will change with a little help from the good Lord above. I believe somewhere in their our friendship can be salvaged. Maybe a relationship mended. I would love to marry my best friend. But to my friends who helped me thru my trials I want to say thank you once more. For loving me, for listening to me whine, even when this was all I ever talked about. The Lord has brought me to this point out of my sorrow and now I can do more than just get through the days. It's cool I feel like a butterfly hatching out of her cacoon for like the first time ever. I've grown so much since. Okay well it's late and I do have to help my step-dad do a tile job in the morning ifI plan on making it to Jeff's wedding. Perhaps things will work out for the good. Either way, I love you guys, I'm tired, and Goodnight. Thanks for listening.

And of course today the stitches didn't come out either. LOL. But today it wasn't because I wussed out. I got so busy doing other things that I just didn't have time. I got a job today so that's a plus. I now work at Zaxby's. Yep. I'm, as Turner put it, a Zaxby's girl. lol. Pray for it. I don't know how I'll be with fast food. Anywho, today was good. I woke up, eat, showered all the neccessary stuff ya gotta do. Poop, pee, and the whole reading bit. I love the book I'm reading. It's callefd Eragon. But that's just me fantasizing about castles and dragons and young heroes and what not. Anywho, I got the job at zaxby's, went grocery shoping with the cousin, helped her clean out her pool and wnet to chuch. Then Katie and I went to look at the apartment we're getting. It's small, but nice. And it has an air conditioner. SWEET! Anywho, it's late and I'm having a yardsale tomorrow and my computer is being a tard. PEACE!

Wind Sketching

Wind sketching
Is not for peasants
Those who either pretend to be wealthy,
Or pretend to be poor,
Or pretend at all.

The gift of wind sketching
Comes only to the noble at heart -
the child and the child-like
Who grasp the untouchable
And bring it to life.

I didn't write this, but someone in my aun'ts graduating class. I found it appropriate for me and my dad. Our adventures are many and we are the child and the child-like. lol. LATER GATER.

And I would also like to thank Daerrick Terrell for his gifts. A System of A Down shirt and two awesome books on Angels and Demons. I just wanted to let him know that I was sorry for not posting his gifts. If I had put everyone's gifts on here... well it still wouldn't have been that long but ya know. lol. I sorry. His was also one of the coolest gifts I got. And a week early at that. Derrick is just an awesome all around guy. He's single too! So if any of you gals are on the market for a guy, I would definitely suggest him. He's got alot going for him (though he doesn't think so and won't admit at times. That's when you have to beat it in his wittle noggin) but honestly he is great and one of my best friend's. In fact I think he might be going with me tomorrow to get my stitches out. Ya'll pray I don't cry or vomit. lol. Well I love ya'll and goodnight once more.

To Show That I Love You

From time to him
You move and speak
In ways that stir in my heart
The hands of time drag slowly on
Whevever we're apart
My faults are few and talents many
In your clouded loving eyes
You've made yourself believe it all
And raised me to the skies
I'm not the woman of who you think
So gentle and so kind
My goodness lies within your heart
But no one else's mind
My thoughts of you will tell the truth
I think you're perfect too
And everything I do is done
To show that I love you.

Hey Hey. I couldn't go to bed without blogging so I's just gonna tell ya how my day went. Well twas the day after the birthday and things ran smoothly. I woke up at Bev's house, took a shower and went to visit mom. I whined about wanting her to go to the hospital with me to have them removed (I don't have a boyfriend or that would be his job) and inevitably ended up letting her try to take them out which inevitably led to her not wanting to because she was afraid she would hurt me ( I winced ). SOOOOOOO I wimped out and didn't get my stitches out. Then goes the job search. Yeah that didn't turn out well. So I ended up going to the tanning bed and going swimming with abunch of my friends. There was a ton of us there playin ball in the pool. It was great. Prolly one of the funnest days for me this summer. We swam for I don't know how long then me and one of my friend's went to Zaxby's. Awesome. And now I'm here just hanging out. Fixin to go to bed and get up and do the same boring thing tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I'll get my stitches out. Doubtful. I'm such a chicken. More job searching and laying in the tanning bed tomorrow though for sure. Gotta do the tanning bed thing for sure and then gotta do the job hunt thing b/c, Lord willing, Katie and I are gonna be getting an apartment together but I have to have a job lined up first. Then I have to go help one of my friend's clean out her house and she's gonna pay me to do that which is AWESOME. If any of you guys have any hints or tips on how to earn some cash quick I would like to know. Prostitution is NOT an option. lol. Anywho ya'll be praying bout it. Anywho, I guess I will sees you guys later it's time for my bed to hit the pillow. Yes indeed. lol. Alright love you all and goodnight. XOXO, Monica

Hey everyone! Okay I had an awesome birthday thanks to all my spunky creative and thoughtful friends. Ya'll are awesome. Not to rate gifts, but Beverly did get me a shirt that says "How to dump your boyfriend" with pictures to boot. That was awesome. She knows me all to well. And Katie was super thoughtful in #1 emailing me, #2 taking me and beverly to dairy queen, her treat, #3 buying me a copy of switchfoot and an iou for superchick (which i loooooe) Also a creative frame with thoughtful words. A PLUS.
Thanks ya'll are awesome. You made it worthwhile.

Hey all. Well tomorrow is my bday. HOORAY! And the only people who are gonna remember are the people I remind. lol. Lovely. I'm kidding. Well I called Beverly's house today and her parents told me Happy Birthday and then she did so I just thought that was totally cool. They even remembered without me having to tell them. Sweet. Tim Hubbard remembered too. Awesome. Well you guys take it easy. More on my interesting life later.

Yeah okay so I'm a lil ticked. I posted a long blog the other day and today I view my site and it's not on there!!! Grrr... Has someone got access to my blog page and deleted my entry? Can you DOOOOO that? I dunno. I didn't delete it so SOMEONE had to!!! If anyone has any idea what happened I would sooo appreciate it. Talk to you later. XOXO, The ticked!

No one wants to read a sad song
Happy as prozac and left alone
No problems for us as you can see
No outward disgression
For you and me

So sorry if we don't pity you
When we don't know what you're going thru
We're just being selfish and calling you weird
Outcast from us, we won't see your tears

But you'll cry them anyway sad and alone
You'll do this from a young age until your grown
I wish we could tell you what lies ahead
We won't give you hope but discouragement instead

We'll try not to laugh at your secret pain
But then mock you later when your not around to complain
We hope you don't care, it's all in good fun
We're not really out to hurt anyone

You just go ahead and deal with your pain
You weird strange girl, and we'll point you out again
Your friends that you thought were all around you have left
Your to horribly weird for them to accept

They just can't take your emotions, or wanting to "talk" all the time
They don't understand why you're speaking in rhymes
It's so hard for us to see what you're going thru
Some have been thru it, others don't have a clue

Either way we'll point and laugh
And say "BooHoo" because this big baby hasn't grasped
That she has just so much love that
she just feels like she can't get rid of.

She'd like to give it all to the one who holds her heart
But he's far away and they've grown apart
How hard is it for someone to see
That for her to find someone is just so misconcieved

Why can't she just get back on that pony and ride
Ride her little heart out till the morning cries
Why can't she just get back what she lost long ago
Memories of a past life seem to come and go

But this poem is getting lengthy
And we don't have all day
So run along little girl
Run along and play

You're strange enough
But when you do find that one you can give your heart to
Don't be scared to love again
Love completely and to no end

Don't let one horse knock you down
Pick yourself up off the ground
And look to the heavans For in God's view
Your not so strange and He loves you

You don't see it now but you will see it when
You find the Love of the Lord
and you will be complete again.

Love yourself completely
And march on my little girl
You are precious to yourself
And God's glorious world

It's late so if it's not my best work I understand.

haha life is so funny. it hands you the silliest messes sometimes but thats okay too. I would like to thank God for all my friends he has so lovingly blessed me with. Despite being cheesy the people who have got me thru these past few months have not left my side when I have needed them. I thank them for that. They are: Derrick Terrell, Cory Harris, Tyler Cochran, Alaina Austin, Travis Creasy, Jimmy Masters, and last but certainly not least, Katie Simmons. Then there's my family. My mom,thank you for giving me a shoulder to cry on. Dad you pulled for me too. Megan is just cute and rotten and makes me laugh. And everyone else just told me I could make it alright and had faith in me. Alot of the times I have not been the person I should have been. I let life bog me down and made myself think that there was something wrong with me so I laid in the dark and waited for a light. Then I realized I have to be my own light. I can't lay around and wait for things to get better. I have to make things happen for myself. Anf finally I have realized what I have to do. I have to get away from the thing thats causing me the most pain in my life. Dun dun da... the ex boyfriend. I realize now that I am a wonderful person and there is nothing wrong with me. I am human and humans fail. But thank GOD for the people around me who didn't give up on me to pull through this. My focus is now back on college and moving out and making my life better withouth these people. Thanks for derrick for letting me hang out and rant if I need to. Thanks Travis for listening to me blubber on the phone. Thanks Jimmy for just being cool. Thanks C ory for hangin out with me. Thanks Alaina and Tyler for lettin me come over to your house and play video games and eat fudge!!! hehe. Ya'll rock. Katie you've shown me exactly what a christian girl should be like. You'r just crazy in so many ways but so awesome to hang out with. I LOVE IT. Yeah I'm not all that I should be sometimes. But ya'll love me anyway and i thank you for that. You guys are the greatest bunch of friends I could ever asked for! XOXO,
Monica.

Today I feel like a turd. I think I have strep throat and I hurt everytime I move. Ick! So you guys pray that I'll get better. Also going to Six Flags Friday...WHOO HOO! Maybe that will be fun so pray that I'll get better before that. Love you guys!

An amazing person wrote this for me a while back. He is my best friend and a wonderful human being, whether he knows it or not. We are currently not together, but whoever marries him will be the luckiest woman in the world I'm sure. I was lucky to have him for the short time I did.

-The Girl-
The Girl who caught my eye
The one I walked on past
My God? Why this guy
He's such a fool it could never last
But together none the less
With absolutely no one to impress
I'm staring at a wall
Never trying to look in
The peep could start my heart to fall
And love is the one place it's never been
I try so hard I tell myself
While placing my heart upon a shelf
This girl, my girl
When I see her my lips smile
And my heart starts to stir
With her I go the extra mile
I wish I knew what it takes for life
But even not I pray she'll be my wife.

What a masterpiece. I know I have been loved.

Stuff I wrote back in the day. Have a looksie. Post if you want.

Too Much To Relate-
Autumn days and thoughts that lay
Deep inside my head
How I've thought and what I've bought
Like words I've never said
Jumbled traffic, mixed up wires have crossed
But what I dread, is losing you by some
Slim chance of an omen I misread
Picture shows and air gun blows
Are tearing at my brain
Why they're there and if they care
Could not be put to blame
All this talk can just confuse me
But what is stays the same
I love you and you should know
The meaning is all so plain
A moonlight dance was worth
The chance to hold you once again.
To sacrifice or just be nice
Would never lose or win
A touch from you would set me free
In hopes it would never end
But some small chance that
You would love me
Was too big to defend
I was shy and you would lie
You noticed my mistakes
I stared at you and saw right through
Your mystery of hate
How to please you, not to ease you
Too much toward the fate
That this young girl
And this young boy have too much
To relate.

Thanks --Yours truly.